She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
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