I swear she didn't look like that last week.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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