are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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