i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
