Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
