I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
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