I just saw a hot homeless man
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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