I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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