thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize