Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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