Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
