dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Life is so much better after having sex.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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