I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
