I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
