I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
