an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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