I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Randomize
