The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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