Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
