Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize