just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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