She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
