Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
