I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
