Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
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