every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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