I molested 6 butterflies tonight
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
