were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
