When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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