she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Houston, we have a squirter
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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