Fuck appropriateness.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
be right there i have to get my cape
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
