I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
