During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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