I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize