if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
