I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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