im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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