I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
