I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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