If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
And my parents said I crawled through the house
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
