i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Randomize
