That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
