They should really pass out barf bags in church
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Be still, my beating vagina.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
