At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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