If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
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