u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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