I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Too much gin, very little bucket
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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