dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
