My boss' voice literally gives me gas
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
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