god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
