You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
