Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
