i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
And then he peed in my hair
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