Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
