I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
