So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
