the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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