I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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