Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I believe in your delicious
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize