Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
