sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
