god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
