i need an iv and a liver transplant
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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