idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
