So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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